Behind It All

Samdol itu suatu ketika dahulu

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 00:06:14 GMT

Photo credit : rocksane @ deviantart

Dulu dia pernah kata,
"Kan bagus kalau aku jumpa kau dulu."

Masa ada khabar angin yang aku kena pindah pejabat, dia pernah kata,
"Jangan ler pindah sana..Sunyi ler aku�Tak payah pindah.. I forbid u my dear�"

Masa keluar tengok wayang, dia pernah kata,
"Enjoy gila tengok dengan kau hari ni.. I'm having so much fun with you today�"

Waktu aku tengah mencuka gara-gara Azmul, dia pernah kata,
"Hidup tetap kena teruskan walau camner pahit skali pun..Tapi yang pasti aku just nak tengok ko happy je.. Coz I luv 2 c u smile..terutama masa kau tengah happy..

Menjelang cuti Raya tahun lepas, dia pernah kata,
"Laaa�Pasni dah cuti lama.. Baby�I'm gonna miss u�"

Masa sindrom PMS melanda aku, dia pernah kata,
"Check out your share folder� I love this song, The Click Five "Empty". Please don't get moody again.. I feel empty if you're not happy & don't ignore me like this morning.. Keep smiling baby�"

Tiap kali aku menghilang dari tempat duduk aku, dia mesti kata,
"Mane ko pergi beb? I'm gonna miss u baby..cpt blk taw.. :-("

Masa dia dapat offer kerja lain, dia pernah kata,
"Aku tak sampai hati nak berjauhan dengan kau pasni..huhu..
Kalau kau takde, aku dah takde semangat nak studi lagi beb..
Beb,aku taknak lose kau beb..
Kau la teman klik aku yang paling memahami aku & paling aku kasihi.."

.
.
.
.
.

Crap.
Kenapa aku baca balik email lama ni?
Patut dibakar saja.

Apa masalah kau, samdol?!!

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 06:02:22 GMT

I texted Botak asking the tips given for Quality Management subject - as I was in the toilet barfing the food out at the time the lecturer was briefing on important topics to be covered for our finals.

Senyap.

Oh, don't you just hate it when people didn't reply your messages, especially when it's a simple message that has nothing to do with persoalan hati-jiwa-perasaan-whatsoever?

The next day, he called, but couldn't get through as I was at Hotel UiTM attending the company's dinner - which is weird because he rarely call except for urgent matters, or when Hotlink reward him with free calls.

So, I texted him again.

Senyap.

Argh, bloody-fool! I hate it when people didn't reply my texts!

Finally, yesterday I text him again, asking his progress for the final papers, and even calling him 'kedekut ilmu' - a sakit hati reaction after all the hard work and pain I have to bear to do his assignments and he didn't even bother to tell me what's in for the finals.

And, he called.

Saying that he's too hooked up with work, that now, he turn into anti-SMS kind of person, and he's a call-freak now, that he didn't have time to text anybody anymore, etc, etc.

And the next 30 mins, apart of talking about studies, we talked about TV, about 999, about his bald head, about my sister's new car, about the stalker, about me hanging out with Khy again.

Finally, ending the call. He said, "Ok, jumpa hari Sabtu ni ye. Thank you. Take care. Jaga diri. Bye bye. Love you." and hang up.

......

Love - what? Apa masalah kau, samdol???!!!
Ini bukan Akademi Fantasia - menutur tanpa rasa...

Perempuan-Berkudis-yang-Panggil-Aku-Jalang

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 03:40:30 GMT

I've developed a sense of traumatic disorder with melayu berambut perang kekuningan. Merely because the colour looks bad on the Melayu skin, and mainly because perempuan berkudis yang panggil aku jalang itu is one of 'that' kind of people.

Everytime I saw a glimpse of them, my antennae would stick out sending 'red alert' signal to my brain - danger! danger! And a full relief when finding out it's NOT perempuan-berkudis-yang-panggil-aku-jalang itu.

Which comes to the next question - I don't even bother to create a 'nick-name' for her when writing about her in this blog entry. The only thing that can indicate who I'm talking about is only the statement 'perempuan yang panggil aku jalang itu', and the in-between would be filled with - err - other words.

Well, she didn't harrass me as of now. But only last week that I get a glimpse of the story from other people - which clearly indicates that it's not just the matter between me and her and pakcik yang dah kahwin itu. The term that they use is "bergegar office sana masa hari tu." Imagine the toilet situated on the ground floor, and her shoutings can be heard up to the office situated on the upper floor and her so-called-issues now reaches her colleagues, her boss and other people's bosses. She ended up taking almost 2 days of breakdown leave - which explains the continuous harrassments she inflicted upon me throughout the day.

*senyum sinis*
So, she's saying that I'm the one picking up the fight with her?

Blargh...

And all this because I refuse to meet up with her and because I've deleted my blog entry when she wanted to use 2% of my words to inflict her anger to other people? And I'm the one to blame?

Come on - I'm not the type who dwell and fight over a guy - especially those who is not even enlisted in my 'personal' list. Even if they ARE in my 'personal' list, I'd do the same thing - see Gondola's case as the best case study. Well, yeah, so I tend to blabber in the blog instead. Because the blog is the platform where I channel my emotions - not outrageously calling other people 'jalang' and 'gampang' and threaten to hurt me in front of my parents.

Anyway, due to the traumatic disorder, I can't help excluding her name from the mailing list of Surveillance Audit activity. I excluded her name from the briefing session, I even excluded her name from the communication session with certification body. I just can't help it - although I'm not the guilty party, (well - partially guilty for putting my life details in the blog), but I can't stand being looked down from her threatening looks. So, yeah - I mixed up personal matters with business. Who doesn't? Especially from a perempuan rambut kuning calling you 'jalang' and 'gampang' and fight over a married man that you don't even give a damn.

Khy : Kau keluarkan nama dia? Kira kau ni ada kuasa juga ek nak select siapa pergi briefing?
Me : Of course. Dah aku yang buat briefing nya.

Cepatlah dapat offer scholarship. I can't wait to get out from here.

Huh - dash, run... run, that's what you do best, huh?

It's called walking away from misery.

Titik Itu 2

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 08:14:55 GMT

Bila aku dah mula letak nama 'Khy' (yang juga dikenali sebagai Azmul atau pun Mek Ja) kembali di dalam blog utama, oh, something must have happened.

Dulu tak nak letak sebarang nama yang menimbulkan kontroversi sebab Gondola baca blog itu, Sucide Chick baca blog itu, Khy baca blog itu, perempuan jahanam yang panggil aku jalang juga baca blog itu. Dalam erti kata lain, blog utama seolah-olah sudah jadi message board untuk pembaca-pembaca haram itu.

Iya, aku jumpa dengan ex aku lagi.
Iya, aku hang-out dengan ex aku lagi.
Iya, aku still berjenaka dengan ex aku walaupun aku pernah kata yang aku serik jumpa dia.
But so what?

Khy adalah manusia yang dah kenal dah faham benar lenggok bicara wajah aku tanpa aku perlu menyatakan apa-apa because he have undergone extensive training of 5 freaking years. Kami boleh bergaduh bagai nak gila, menjerit menjadi diri yang lain, tapi petang itu, kami akan minum ice blended mocha dan teh o ais sambil bergelak ketawa seolah-olah tiada apa yang berlaku.

Sekurang-kurangnya, Khy itu juga yang layan gila aku. Khy itu juga yang tak mengelak bila aku ajak meroyan. Khy itu juga yang jadi teman waktu aku sibuk pulun siapkan assignment aku (dan assignment orang lain!).

Walaupun tingkah laku dia sekadar mahu ambil hati aku, tapi aku gelak, dia gelak, dan kami happy.

I avoided discussing about Khy in most entries, sebab nanti ada orang kata jilat ludah sendiri balik. Ah, persetankan. Kalau bukan jilat ludah sendiri, ada kau lalu nak jilat ludah orang lain?

Dulu, takut nak letak nama Khy dalam mana-mana entry, semua gambar Khy dalam mobile, cepat-cepat dipadam. Semua SMS jiwa-jiwa dari Khy segara di-delete. Nanti Gondola nampak, nanti dia kecewa, nanti dia putus harapan, nanti dia pergi. Ah, shit! What a crap.

Tak payah dah nak padam apa-apa. Tak payah nak sorok apa-apa. Biar dia pergi.

Dia pun jilat ludah dia sendiri.

Maafkan aku, aku tak dapat membendung rasa ingin tahu.

Akibatnya, ternampak gambar Suicide Chick menjelir lidah jadi hiasan wallpaper mobilenya.

Akibatnya, ternampak nama Suicide Chick being put as "Baby Ma".

Akibatnya, aku tahu dia dah kembali kepada lubuk hitamnya.

Akibatnya, aku tahu aku cuma mainan dia.

Kalau Suicide Chick tahu apa yang pernah Gondola lakukan, pasti dia akan bunuh aku. Kalau Khy tahu apa yang pernah aku lakukan, pasti dia akan ucapkan 'selamat tinggal'.

Tapi, aku bukan emosi membabi buta macam mereka.

Aku cuma duduk diam dan berasa seperti bitch seharian lamanya.

Oh, dan semua dia dilakukan kerana mahu minta bantuan aku untuk assignment dia kah?

Fuck.

dash: aku terasa sgt mcm bitch
gondola: asl ko rsa cam bitch plak?
dash: goofing around with somebody else pny boyfriend...duh..
gondola: xde hal beb, aku rela..lgpn aku bnyk mnyusahkan idup ko..
dash: so, ko tak ikhlas lah bile dgn aku? =) it's ok, i understand
gondola: ikhlas beb..tp prasaan aku berkecamuk bak dipukul gelora tiap kali aku wat sesuatu yg xpatut aku wat..aku xnk lukakan hati sesape..

Oh, bodohnya kau. Tak nampak ke? Kau lukakan hati aku?

Pergilah hidup dengan Suicide Chick itu. Lepas ni, minta dia siapkan assignment kau, ok? Tak susah, sebab dia kan pandai tiru apa yang aku tulis.

Acuan yang sama.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 08:52:45 GMT

The boyfriend takes credit from the assignment paper I did for him.
Smile.

The girlfriend copy-pasted my blog entry to make it sound like her own.
Smile.

I just realised.
No wonder he can't get over her.
No wonder she can't get over him.
They are a PERFECT match.

So fake.
So un-original.

Ya, sesuatu berlaku yang membuatkan aku benci gila pada dia.

Susah nya tak mau cinta sama dia

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:51:26 GMT

Sigh...

Baru saja mau menyuburkan rasa neutral-ism - and failing miserably at it upon meeting him after 2 weeks of total isolation.

Why do you think I've posted the previous entry?
Mau suburkan rasa 'tidak' suka sama dia lah!

Susah...

Two weeks of not meeting up, thinking that I'll just have to go to the class without any major feelings - yet, ended up feeling enthusiastic and overly bubbly and conversing excitedly. Iye, ini diri aku yang dahulu bila ada di tepi dia - sudah kembali. Aku suka diri yang positif ini. Sikap ini cuma hilang bila asyik dibayangi dengan cerita teman wanita suicidenya. Ops, EX-teman wanita. Please...

Jiwa berbunga 1

Upon fetching him at his house, I deliberately played the CD player to track number 2, kucing hitam (bittersweet) to ensure that we can chat within that duration, so that five minutes later, track number 3, kamu (nitrus) can be sang.

A song that reminds me so much of him.

"Umpama bidadari
Kau selalu menyenangkan aku
Biar kadang ku terkeliru
Izinkan aku menyentuh bayanganmu"

3 jam kemudian, di waktu membaca nota Quality Management, dia membuat suatu perumpamaan menggunakan lagu itu - di kala aku terlupa deliberate act earlier that day.

Sampai sekarang aku tak ingat apa yang kami bualkan, kerana aku terkesima bila dia pin-point lagu itu.

Bulls-eyes!

Oh, dia selalu buat begitu.

Jiwa berbunga 2

That evening I showed him the group picture the girls snapped from the phone. He took the phone, searching for the 'zoom' function - kononnya mahu tengok dengan lebih jelas.

Tapi dengan pantas dia cari-buka folder gambar lain, walaupun cuba dirampas aku.

Wallawey!

Terpampang visual aku dan Azmul di Gig Akustik dan wajah lucu Azmul mengajuk senyuman plastik aku waktu makan malam di Asiari. "Arrggh...X-SC!" (X-SC : ex-so called, panggilan khusus untuk bekas partner ku itu). Dia tak dapat cakap banyak, aku tak dapat argue kerana Ijal menghampiri kami. Lantas, dia ajak Ijal keluar, ciggie-puffing session. Dengan tiba-tiba...

Tahu pula terasa?

Jiwa berbunga 3

Semalam balik dari kelas hujung minggu. Ijal pursuade aku + Momo lepas tensi di e-box. Karok! I like... It doesn't matter that me and Momo are having a severe sore throat - and I kindly feel like dismissing the idea of going to my friend's wedding later that night.

Momo nyanyikan lagu KRU, janji tinggal janji. Oh, sangat old school.

At the chorus part, he looked and pointed repeatedly at me - as if dedicating that particular verse to yours truly.

"Gadisku... Yang ku pinta hanyalah satu,
Semadikan kenanganmu bersamaku,
Walau ditakdirkan tak bersama lagi,
Kau gadis keDUA yang ku cintai"

Ya, kedua.
Oh please... Naikkan aku jadi nombor 1, boleh?

Jiwa berbunga 4

Upon going back from karok-session, he inquired about the photo of 'the guy in the mobile'.

Aku kata "Dah nama pun X-SC. EX-so called. So, EX saja. Bukan mau balik dengan dia bila keluar dengan dia."

Cemburu? Tahu pula?

Jiwa berbunga 5

Later that night, upon going to my friend's wedding ceremony...

"Safe home? Dekat mana?"
"Safe home, and safe on the move. Thanks for the trip, sweet banget. Enjoy seh."
"...Ingatkan taknak lepaskan terus tadi. Tapi memandangkan kau nak cepat, terpaksa lah lepaskan..."

Janganlah lepaskan...

Dash, tak serik-serik ke?
Aku kan perempuan. Perempuan kan mudah memaafkan, mudah melepaskan, walau hatinya terguris...?

Aku dah tak ada rasa..hooray kah?

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 10:45:21 GMT

He said they had a fight, and they broke up. So, he's single now.

That was old news actually.

Which means that I'm not really sure of his status as of now.

He always inform me about every break-ups they had, or fights, or the suicidal threats that she inflicted, about how emotional she is, or how miserable his life is when they're together - but he never really mention it when they got back together. He can't recall his so-called status when he hold my hand and put it to his chest (presume lah apa-apa, aku bukan gadis baik sangat pun...) Only when I inquire, then he'll let it slip, bit by bit. It still hurt though. That's the point when living in denial seems like a better option.

Him - being single - should be a good news to me - I think. But the way he tells me as if he's the victim and she's the villain, doesn't make things better. He told me she ignored him, but he's goofing around with me. He told me she didn't reply his 'love you' remark, but he gave me a peck on the forehead telling me that he love me. As he told me about his - upteenth breakup - I just sat there, listening, feeling the trickling sensation the Chocolate Sundae in my mouth, flashing back our sweet Saturday hang out memories, not uttering any words and letting him blurt out his 'misfortune'. No, it doesn't feel any better.

Everybody love to be in the victim position. It makes them feel safe, as if they are the 'un-guilty' party. As if they are the 'good-one'. As if they are the 'right one'. As if their opinion is the only thing that matters.

I'm writing this entry - and I am the bad one. Oh, maybe the stupid one.

He's not the same crush I had a year ago.

Maybe because he only contacted me when he needs help with his assignments.
Maybe because he makes himself sound like a victim.
Maybe because he don't have a stand of his own.
Maybe because he said 'love you' to me.
Maybe because he said 'love is a dangerous word' a few days later.
Maybe because I'm not seeing him every weekdays like I used to.
Maybe because I spend more time with Yie.
Maybe because Yie is always available at my crazy hours.
Maybe because I, myself don't have a stand of my own.
But, at least, I used to know who I wanted.

Why can't I go back at Yie? Because Yie makes a great friend, not a great partner.
Him? I'm not sure anymore.

The spark has fade.

Him : Kenapa kau jumpa dia lagi. Degil lah kau ni. Dia dah buat macam-macam dekat kau, kau nak ke perkara sama berulang balik? Tolong lah, jangan jumpa dia balik.
Me : At least aku clear dengan dia yang relationship kitorang cuma sebagai kawan.
Him : Tak boleh. Orang macam dia tu, memang keji. Tak boleh pakai! Kau lupakanlah dia. Susah sangat ke? Kau buang dia jauh-jauh dari hidup kau?
Me : Kalau aku buang dia jauh-jauh, aku dah tak ada kawan. Kenapa kau beriya-iya sangat nak suruh aku lupakan dia?
Him : Iyalah. Selagi dia ada dalam hidup kau, selagi tu kau tak boleh move on. Selagi tu kau dibayangi dia. Selagi tu dia takkan lepaskan kau dekat orang lain. Bila dia ada, dia adalah penghalang untuk kau dan aku.
Me : Penghalang?
Him : Iya. Sekarang ni, macam kau dengan aku ada laluan tertentu. Dengan adanya si keji tu, dia akan block laluan tu, dia takkan benarkan kau move on dengan sesiapa. Kalau lah ditakdirkan aku ada jodoh dengan kau, selagi dia ada dalam hidup kau, selagi tu dia akan jadi penghalang kepada kita.

Tak salah kan bila aku rasa 'perasan' dulu?

Laluan tu dah lama ada.
Buta...
Bukan...
Ignorant...
Aku rasa aku nak tutup laluan tu.
Penat makan hati lama-lama. Senak~

Bicara Jiwa : Aku Skandal

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 12:52:22 GMT

"Setiap perkataan dekat nama MySpace aku tu ada maknanya. Bukan suka-suka aku letak. Hmm..." He said, conspiratorially while playing with his PDA.
"Ye ke? Apa maknanya?" I asked, curiously.
"Adalah..."
"Bagitau je lah. Aku kan kawan baik kau, tak payahlah nak sorok-sorok benda macam tu dari aku."
"Kau bukan kawan baik aku." He said seriously. "Kau skandal aku!"

Hm?

At least, I got that part clear from his side.

Just a scandal...

But bear in mind, dia bukan suami orang - aku tidak sebegitu desperate. He is just somebody attached with an emotional girl who is reluctant to let him go with all the psychotic deathly threat and blackmails if she knew he have somebody else in mind.

Well, I'll make do with that. I'm happy enough... (sekurang-kurangnya, aku masih single untuk ber-status sedemikian).

And we both knew we've reached a stage not fit for a 'kawan baik' anymore. It's just that we don't know how to take the next step and ended up waiting for fate to resolve it.

Funny.

+ + +

In my old blog, I only write passionately about three guys (excluding my family member).
1) Tok Putih - the first love that confesses too late.
2) Yie - the ex, of a five years relationship, status: cleared, situation: unresolved.
3) Momo - the botak, the ex-colleague, the good friend, the great partner, the shoulder to cry on, the joker, the angel, the light of the day, the one who can talk you to talk, and recently, the scandal.

You know where my vote goes for.
And all three are aware of my old blog. Which is what restrict me from writing too much about my relationship anymore. Of course, it drives me crazy. Wanting to write what the heart long for, but holding it back just to avoid another hooca-pooca.

Because some people will never understand the concept of blogging. Wanting to go all emotional on me because of words written but not expressed through the face dan terus mahu label aku hipokrit. It only shows how good I am at keeping my feelings contained. Kerana apa yang ditulis, tak semua orang perlu tahu.

Berbalik kepada topik asal.

Out of that three guy, I only confesses with the clear remark of "I love you" to two of them, Yie and Momo.

The first, is out of constant pursuasion. To say it just to make him feel happy, and having to pamper the heart to feel it. I know, I'm not being fair to him. But feelings, can be trained to feel, yet, it's easy to break although the feel is already there.

The latter, is out of buang tebiat. More like being in a situation where you want to simply blurt it all out and come clean and not even care of the consequences. It's the only feeling dominating the mind which leads to the buang tebiat moment. The first time I said it, I got a "I love you too" reply. Happy enough. But the second time I text it, I got "Love me? That's a dangerous word..." Funny eyh. Why didn't he think it as dangerous when saying it right to my face?

Yeah yeah... With all the complicated situation and dilemma he's facing, yadda yadda yadda. But at least, it's clear, I'm just a scandal until everything is resolved. A back-up? A Plan B? An escape route? Just a somebody that he can't have? With all the different status and stuff...

Ouh, pathetic...

+ + +

I still go out with Yie. I know, with all the drama, the dirty shit he spat to my face, the emotional state, nobody would want to ever go out with somebody like that anymore. Berpuluh kali kena basuh dengan Momo, I still go out with Yie. The last time he made me promise not to go out with my ex, I still go out with Yie. (Yie is also known as Mek Ja in the other blog).

Habis, kau ingat senang ke berstatus skandal, and keep on thinking what the other person is doing and imagining heartbreaking scenarios with Momo and the girl? Facing with people at work who got you into trouble because you go out with a colleague who happens to be her boyfriend? Crying and feeling like a loser alone, not having anybody to turn to and make me laugh, and containing the emotions to text him and mengadu domba?

It'll eat my soul from within.

I need a distraction. Somebody who know me long enough not to piss me with tedious matter. Somebody who know my laugh spot to make me giggle endlessly for few funny lines. Somebody who can simply distract me from the shit I'm facing. Somebody who is there the moment I want it to. Yie is that somebody. He knew me long enough to fit all the above criteria. Yie is actually my best buddy. I can say anything to him with blunt honesty, and we can still make fun about all the other things. It's just that, I'm not ready to love him again.

To love, and to befriend is two very different situation. I can't be his partner because nothing feel right. I can be his best buddy because everything is just right.

Well, it's like I'm using him. I told him I feel like I'm using him. And he said that he don't really care about it as long as he know that I forgave him and he can be there at my lowest low. You see, a great friend huh? It's hard to find somebody as true as that these day.

Which comes to the next question.
To go with someone who love you, or to wait for someone that you love?

I don't know. I just don't know.

At 25, when you think you know about everything, you are totally wrong. There's even more thing you discovered that you can't have the answers.

French Entry : Plagiarisma

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 14:53:19 GMT

This is the translation to the French entry posted earlier here.

+ + +

My rantings and blabbering has been plagiarized. I am totally stunned. I always see plagiarism as a syndrome that affects students upon completing their assignment, thesis or research work by taking credit from other people�s work such as academic journals, articles or news clippings. Who would have thought that daily ranting from the blog can be plagiarized as well?

I�m not sure if I wanted to be mad, or angry, or sad about the fact that the moments I�m facing in my life has being copied. But all I did was nervously laughing while saying �Oh My God� a few times upon reading my own thoughts and blabbering from other people�s blog with the layout that is totally not of my taste and style. It�s like Sara Tancredi being played by Paris Hilton. Eww, it does feel weird.

I never knew that my fantasy of castrating my ex�s balls can be an inspiration to some people. Does my writing sound so intelligent that �that particular person� wanted to post my carefully constructed trail of thoughts in her blog to make it sound like it�s coming from her own mind so that she can get the glimpse of the intelligence and wittiness as well? What is so intelligent about having a fantasy to castrate the ex�s balls??? What the fuck is she trying to prove?

My entries are my own thoughts, translated with carefully constructed words. You can never see me copy-paste any articles not of my thought on it. Yes, I�m inspired by dialogues inflicted upon my life, but I did not copy it and make it sound like mine. It�s called �inspired�. I gave my own deep thoughts about that particular issue. I don�t fake the entries by trying to sound like somebody else, because my blog are my words, and my words are my thoughts, and my thoughts are my dignity. Although it does sounds ridiculous at time, but it�s my own version of �merepek� moments.
As much as it bugs me thinking that I�m obsessed with her updates because I wanted to get the other side of story without sounding so desperate, I guess, she is the one obsessed and disturbed by me.

Well, I am flattered.

Note : Momo's suicide partner, the one who previously has threatened to kill me, the one who go 'muka tak malu' with me has created her own blog. She copy-pasted the old entries from my other blog which makes me questions her action - I'm totally confused. Idolised? Yes, I'm proud about it. It makes me feel much better.

The Harrassment

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 06:06:55 GMT

The entry posted earlier is innocent as a baby. What issue could ever arises out of that innocent entry? What --?

First, she called me on one of my regular morning break at 10.30am. Me, being the usual me, not wanting any interruptions during the morning break while enjoying ayam deep fried yang sangat rangup itu, left my phone on my workstation. As I got back at 10.50am, she called me again.

As I answered cheerily, the first question she asked "Kau pergi mana? Kenapa tak jawab phone?"

Ok, not a friendly greet you normally give when calling someone. Innocently, I replied "Pergi makan lah. Kan time break ni."

And then, she goes "Telefon kau tinggal mana? Kenapa kau tak jawab phone?" Owkay. She knows my routine, she definitely knows my habit of leaving the phone. And why the heck is she asking that question in interrogative manner? I don't like the sound of it.

"Tinggal dekat office lah. Biasalah, pergi makan aku tinggal phone. Kau nak apa sebenarnya ni?"
"Takdelah. Tanya je."
"Owkay. Ada apa call?"
"Aku baca blog kau." Ding dong...alert!

And the 'interrogative interview' continues with questions such as :
"Siapa yang ajak keluar?"
"Korang cakap pasal apa?"
"Yang mula-mula tu, siapa yang ajak siapa keluar sebenarnya ni?"
"Keluar pergi mana?"

Any normal person would've feel weird being dumped with that load of question, with a tone not even close to Makcik Kiah gossiping. And when I asked her, clarifying what's with all the endless curiosity, she only replied "Takdelah. kecik hati je... Kenapa tak belanja orang lain..." A remark not strong enough to being put as an excuse of the interrogation session. That is definitely an 'alert' sign. I can feel something is definitely wrong, something is out of place, something - weird. So, I decided to close my blog temporarily and link it to other page. (which explains the inaccessibility to my blog during that couple of weeks).

A while later, she called me again.

"Beb, kau dah tulis pun benda tu dekat blog kau, kenapa kau nak tutup-tutup blog pulak?"
"La, blog aku. Sukahati aku lah."
"Kau tolonglah buka blog kau balik."
"Kenapa aku nak kena buat macam tu?"
"Kau buka je lah blog kau balik. Please."
"Kau tak bagi aku reason, kenapa aku nak buka. Lagi pun, itu blog aku. Hak aku lah nak bukak atau tutup."
"Sekarang ni, aku cuma nak guna 2% je daripada ayat kau tu untuk seseorang. So, please tolong bukak balik blog kau tu."
"Nope."
"Aku bukan nak babitkan kau. Aku cuma nak guna sikit ayat dari kau untuk SESEORANG saje."
"Sebab kau nak guna ayat-ayat aku, secara tak langsung, kau membabitkan aku dalam entah apa benda yang kau nak buat sebenarnya. Aku taknak masuk campur dalam hal kau."
"Kau buka je lah blog kau tu."
"Buat apa..? Kau tak bagi reason yang strong enough untuk aku buka, buat apa aku nak buka balik."
"Nanti aku cakaplah. Sekarang ni, aku cuma nak guna sedikit je ayat kau tu untuk bagi dekat SESEORANG!!! Kau ni apasal. Nak cari gaduh dengan aku ke?"

And she begins hammering me with rough remarks and accused me of trying to pick a fight with her, when in the first place, she's the one begin using that shouting tone at me while calling me with my full name to have that superior kind of feeling. Bullshit.

Until she said this : "Kau bukak je lah. Aku bukan nak babitkan kau. Apsal kau degil sangat ni? Kalau aku nak marah dekat kau, aku smack aja kepala kau."

I choose to end the call by saying that she's giving me a headache and she should wait till my mind is clearer. Here's the thing I've always wanted to say to her, but kept it inside "kalau kau tak marah aku, kau takkan keluarkan statement 'smack kepala' itu."

As simple as that - people in denial, it's easy to identify.

Later that evening, she begin harassing me with text messages.

"Aku nak bersemuka dengan kau."

"Kenapa kau senyap kalau tak buat salah?"

And later at night...

"Kau kalau dah lonely sangat, dah desperate sangat, tolong jangan kacau hak orang. Kalau diri kau dah tak ada orang nak, duduk la diam-diam. Tak payah nak menggatal. Kalau blog kau tu hati kau, memang dasar hati kau busuk. Kau hanya tau mengutuk orang. Tapi kau tak sedar yang diri kau tu sangat murah. Dengan semua lelaki kau nak keluar. Pakai je tudung, tapi kau lebih teruk dari perempuan jalang. Memang dasar jijik punya manusia, sebab kawan baik sendiri pun kau kutuk, manusia di sekeliling kau kutuk, kau burukkan diorang. Betapa busuknya hati kau. Macam lah kau betul sangat. Kau memang pandai bermuka-muka. Tak pernah aku jumpa perempuan macam ni. Tolong jangan nak ganggu hak orang. Jauhkan diri kau daripada hak orang. Tak payah nak ajak-ajak keluar minum atau makan."

And the next morning...

"Kalau kau nak berambus dari sini, berambus je lah. Tak payah nak adakan sesi luahan perasaan dekat orang lain. Kau ingat kau diam diri macam ni kau boleh lepas. Kau jangan sampai aku nampak kau melintas depan aku. Walaupun kau dengan mak bapak kau waktu tu."

I replied,
"Aku tak nak masuk campur dalam hal kau. So, bug off."

"Kau yang kacau aku. Kau yang mulakan dulu. Apsal? Kau kecut ke? Aku tak de hal lah nak bersemuka dengan kau. Aku tak takut lah, kau dan hati kau busuk."

And the harrasment continues, she calls me using other number, knowing very well that I won't answer any call if her number appears, and starting the call by saying 'hey gampang', and asking me if Pakcik Ramble is with me, and accused me of lying when the truth is, I'm at home leisurely resting while watching Rona-Roni Makaroni.

Paranoia.

Instead, I choose the silence.
The ultimate silence.

* * *

Finally, I want to have my say - here...

Memilih untuk berdiam diri, adakah bermakna ada buat salah?
Memilih untuk tidak masuk campur, adakah bermakna kesalahan mutlak itu diletakkan di bahu anda?
Memilih untuk tidak berjumpa, adakah kerana takut?
Dan menerima ajakan kawan sekerja yang mahu belanja kau as a friendly token dan tanpa sebarang ikatan komitmen atau perjanjian ataupun sebarang perbuatan menghampiri 'fucking-out', adakah berdosa?

Define 'jalang'...
And define 'gampang'...
Oh, and define 'hak orang'...

Jalang : liar

Gampang : mudah

Hak orang : partner, legally attached / declared the relationship with the consent of both party, special boyfriend, special girlfriend, husband, wife.

Sekarang, siapa yang jalang?
Siapa yang gampang?
Dan siapa yang ambil hak orang?

One finger pointing to others, 4 fingers points back at yourself. You choose an old married useless guy over your friend. Kau maki kawan kau tanpa solid evidence. Kau putus kawan sebab lelaki tua kutuk yang bagi kau janji manis sedangkan dia dah kahwin dan ada anak enam. Kau sibuk bercinta dengan lelaki lain dekat Johor sambil panggil "baby, mummy" tapi dekat sini kau main kayu tiga dengan suami orang dan kau tuduh aku yang jalang??? Kau memang bitch sebab kau buat aku menangis sedangkan aku tak ada buat salah. Aku menyesal tutup lubang hitam kau bila orang lain sibuk kutuk kau. Aku menyesal sebab aku pernah percaya dekat kau. Aku menyesal jadi kawan kau!

Ya, memang kau pandai. Memang kau dapat Dean's List setiap semester. Tapi degree kau tu, kau boleh campak dalam longkang, dipijak dan dihenyak sebab semua tu langsung tak menjadikan kau manusia yang lebih baik.

Fikir panjang sebelum nak panggil orang lain jalang dan gampang, kerana dua perkataan tu lebih layak untuk diri kau sebenarnya.

Ya, aku tak nak jumpa kau sebab aku takut dekat kau. Bukan takut sebab aku salah. Tapi aku takut sebab satu tapak tangan kau sama saiz dengan kepala aku. Kau badan besar, kau penuh emosi, kau baran, dan aku masih sayangkan wajah aku yang comel ini.

Aku diam kerana aku malas nak layan manusia emosi yang menggila. Memetik kata Momo, "Kau layan orang gila, kau pun jadi gila."

I've deleted my blog entry because I know what people like her will likely do. She's predictable. She'll right click-copy-paste my thoughts and turn it against me, making people hated me.

That's what exactly she did to my good friend. Saying that I'm a hypocrite.

Here's a thought. Adakah kau akan bercakap perkara yang menyakitkan hati pada kawan kau, just because you don't like what she did, and she's happy with what she's doing? Perempuan, they don't want their happiness to be spoilt by bad remark no matter how true it is. My blog is my platform. Blog aku adalah kata jiwa aku. A concept of blogging that people like them couldn't understand.

It's private, suppose to be only accessible to strangers and interested readers, and people you really trust. Sometimes, you wanted to share your life with other people and get their neutral opinion. Blogging is the thing. Yet, she's the one trespassing my blog without my consent. And later, saying sorry that it's supposed to be private. And yet, still snooping around to get juicy news from the blog.

Mungkin betul kata Momo. Aku terlalu naif. Terlalu bendul. Cuba untuk jadi jujur, tapi memakan diri.

Now, Dora kena racun. Perempuan gila tu kata aku padam blog entry sebab aku ada buat salah. Well, kau rasa semua orang boleh berdepan dengan kebenaran? Clear cut truth? A truth that will be spatted to your face with no mercy? Aku masih ada rasa simpati, maka aku padam entry kesayangan aku. Salah kah aku mau jaga hati orang lain?

Sekarang, nak sangat kebenaran, aku bagi kebenaran. Aku cakap yang aku tak suka dia bercinta dengan suami orang. Aku cakap yang aku terasa bila dia tuduh aku flirt dengan bos dia. Dan sebab perempuan gila itu dah trespass blog aku, maka cerita Dora sikit sebanyak dia dah tau. Itu kebenaran.

Tiga hari Dora tak bercakap dengan aku. Sanggup berpura-pura pandang dinding daripada tengok muka aku. Tahniah, hilang lagi satu kawan.

Bosan... dengan manusia yang suka menuduh membabi buta, membabitkan orang lain. Bosan... because they can never understand...

Takpe, banyak lagi kawan lain yang setia, yang ada waktu aku jatuh. Itu baru kawan yang sejati.